


Symbiotic

by Miranda_tries_their_best



Series: Digging Graves Without Filling Them [1]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Addiction, Alternate Universe - Vampire, Because I'm not competent enough to plan ahead, Deceit's a dick but he's the main character, Deceits name was Durus, He's not bad but he's def not good, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Morally Neutral Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Morally Neutral Deceit Sanders, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Abuse, Unhealthy Relationships, because I don't know when this story will end, but has been Changed to his actual one, mostly hurt tho
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-17
Updated: 2020-05-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:21:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 17,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22288564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miranda_tries_their_best/pseuds/Miranda_tries_their_best
Summary: Each Vampire bites differently, some hurt, some numb, some leave his neck sore for days.The first time Janus was bitten had come with a venom that still courses through him, leaving his blood feeling wrong within him. He knows it's a problem, that he's gotten addicted to the relief that blood loss gave and he knows that as long as he keeps giving in it won't go away.But he's never been good at denying himself what he could so easily get.(Deceit's name has been edited so if you see the name Durus around, that's what it was previously.)
Relationships: Deceit Sanders & Everyone, I don't know if this'll get shippy or not
Series: Digging Graves Without Filling Them [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1762249
Comments: 138
Kudos: 105





	1. Remus bites hard

**Author's Note:**

> I love my rat child but I would never go into a dark alleyway with him, rip Deceit but I'm different.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Deceit's name has been edited and changed from Duras to Janus, so if you see a Durus somewhere that's because that was his name before

Janus isn't the best person, he's apathetic to others and self-oriented. He's fully aware that there were times he didn't need to shove people down to raise himself up but proceeded to do so. He admits he's catty and bitter towards those that do better then him and sometimes even actively attempts to drag them down a peg but he honestly doesn't know if he deserves this because of his selfish ways.

Vampires weren't a common thing if you didn't know how to look for them, they blended perfectly well into the nightlife of the city but if you experience and a keen eye like Janus, one would take notice to the slightly gray skin and lowly glowing eyes among one's bar mates. Janus isn't sure if it's because of his problem that he can spot them so easily or if people are just really stupid.

He wouldn't be too surprised if it was the latter.

Still, when the man catches green eyes watching him from across the bar like a wolf eyeing its next meal, the sane thing to do would be to leave and get a taxi home before the predator could pounce.

But Janus questions his sanity a lot, every time he goes out at night with easily unbuttoned black dress shirts and wonders into lone alleyways when he sees such glowing eyes stalking his every movement; something he's doing know as he slips out of the back of the bar and wanders away from that obnoxiously loud music and possibly towards bodily harm.

This is were Janus's little problem comes into play. Well, being alone with a stranger that literally wants to eat you is a problem in itself but it's something one has to face when they're addicted to blood loss.

Not just any blood loss though, that would be too easy. It was a little venom in certain vampire's saliva that made him crave it, not every vampire has this drug but just being drunk from was usually enough to cool they way his blood would boil under his skin if he tried to ignore the urge. The itch, without fail, drives him to insanity if he ignores it longer than a week which leads him to situations like this every other night because at times he's too prideful to contact the numerous vampires he already knows. It's shameful, having to ask for something he needs. It's much easier to let someone take it.

He only pauses when he hears a whistle behind him. "Boy, you got it bad~" A sing-song voice mocks him. "Listen to that heartbeat, I really got you going huh?" The human didn't have a chance to reply before something had him pinned against the wall, those green eyes glowing so much brighter in the darkness. He's sure he'd have his breath taken away from him if the brute didn't forcefully knock it out of him. "Are you a snack for any ol'blood sucker or am I just special? Go ahead, tell me. I don't mind sloppy seconds."

Janus felt his lip twitch in disgust, he could smell the coppery scent of blood on the vampire's breath as they spoke. "Are you going to talk until the sun comes up or are you going to bite me?" The man snaps, even the other's way of speaking made him uncomfortable and the deranged tilt to their grin made him wonder if this is finally the time he'll be bled dry.

The vampire just chuckles darkly, taking delight in Janus's backtalk. "And what if I do? What if we stayed all cozy like this until dawn comes and you get to watch me get Thanos snapped?" The vampire presses closer to their pinned prey, Janus knew how to make his presence seem big but this creature reminded him of just how petite the man is. "What if I want to enjoy your company for a bit? What are you gonna do to stop me?" Janus felt the monster's hands grip his thighs harshly and lift him off the ground, pressing their chests together to keep him pinned against the wall. " A pretty little morsel that's just begging for my jaws around your throat, I could just- Oh! There we go!" The vampire suddenly shifts in behavior, cackling and immediately ducking their head to kiss against the human's pulse.

It takes a moment for his brain to catch up, shuddering as sharp canines brush against his throat. "Wha- What?" It's admittedly hard to keep his composure, this vampire pleased to give Janus a reminder as to why this is so dangerous. He's throwing himself at possibly unstable individuals, a chance encounter is what lead him to this mess in the first place.

"I got you scared! Hear that heart pitter-patter? What part was it that really got you going? Was it when I lifted you?" The vampire now sounding more like a child than a threat which only served to unnerve Janus more. "You're like, so tiny. Like a bird, I bet if I pressed hard enough I could break your bones like one too."

"Just- I'm not here to play games," Janus growled, trying to sound as annoyed as he could while keeping his neck exposed, tilting his head away so he couldn't smell the other's hair as easily as for some reason it reeked of vinegar. "Bite me or leave me alone!" Because as much as the man is scared, he's not about to fight. The burning under his skin being a bigger motivator than self-preservation at the moment. It's pathetic really, being a man that's known for pushing his way to the top but willing to throw everything away if it meant something would sink their teeth into him. Janus was once better than this, he swears it.

"Geez, grumpy... But I like that desperation." The human nearly yelped as one of the vampire's hands let go of his thighs, forcing Janus to actually hold onto him to keep himself from falling. They don't care enough to undo the buttons, yanking their prey's shirt open and shoving the collar to the side to expose more skin.

A large hand covering Janus's mouth is the only warning he gets before teeth chomp down into the human's shoulder, it turns out the hand was necessary, muffling his cry as the bite fucking hurts. Most vampires have the decency to just make puncture wounds to draw out blood but this beast of a person full-on bites into their prey's shoulder. Janus doesn't struggle, enduring the pain because the blood loss makes that itch under his skin feel less present even if he has to deal with the disgusting slurping noises the vampire on him makes.

But then the warmth hits him, spreading through his veins and replacing the pain in his shoulder with something euphoric. Janus lets his body go limp, no longer caring how close his attacker is to keep him lifted off the ground as he just rides the wave of comfort that surrounds him.

Not many vampires have this drug, the one that enthralls and keeps people hooked onto what could possibly kill them. Janus knows that if he went long enough without encountering one of these that he could theoretically break this addiction and go back to his normal life.

He doesn't know what he did to deserve this.

At this time that sentence feels like he's been given heaven, it makes him giddy as the vampire nips and bites all along his neck to draw out more blood. It makes him stumble and lean into the person's side, fills him with warmth and laughter when the vampire pulls his phone from his back pocket to enter in their contact to give him another hit later if he asks for it.

But later, the next morning when Janus is laying in bed looking at his phone with shame as the new contact "Remus ;p" stares back at him, feeling heavy and exhausted but unable to call into work because blood loss isn't a valid excuse when one willingly throw oneself at vampires. When all he wants is to sleep and forget about what he's been debased to as soon as an urge to let his blood flow hits him. when he knows if he doesn't give in, there's a good chance he'll claw at himself until he's dizzy enough to forget the pain. Reasonably, he knows he could seek help but he'd rather claw out his eyes than admit that there's anything wrong with him, that he's not that perfect bastard he's built himself up to be.

Janus isn't the best person, he knows this like he knows the scars on the back of his hands. He doesn't know what he did to deserve this though.


	2. Virgil's more bark than bite.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil and Durus had once been friends, they're not anymore but Virgil has this nasty habit of sticking around anyway.

Janus Ceit had once been good friends with Virgil Storm, back when they were both still young and Virgil was too afraid of the world to run to anyone else besides his only friend and hide behind him when everything got too much. He remembers back when Virgil was shorter than him, looking so small in too big clothing that was handed down from his siblings. The boy from back then towered over Janus now, though still kept his taste for baggy clothing.

You'd think with such find memories that it would be a pleasant surprise when his old friend showed up at his door for dinner.

Except Virgil wasn't human anymore and wasn't looking for any sort of food, still very much hating Janus's guts and greeted him with a very bitter "Ceit." 

"Storm." Janus's grin was practically radiating smugness and he wouldn't have any other way because despite how much the vampire hated him, he was still a free meal. "Do come in, you look absolutely famished."

It was about two years ago when Virgil turned; Janus hadn't realized something was wrong with his former friend at the time, just before the other had decided he was officially a lost cause and attempted to move on. " **Janus.** " Virgil was seething, catching Janus in the empty parking lot after work but the man had just brushed it off as another attempt to make Janus "act like a decent fucking person." Virgil was so obsessed with his image of Janus that he had no idea who he really was anymore.

"I really don't have time for this Virgil, go throw a pity party somewhere else. I'm sure there's someone out there who'll play nice for you." The shorter man decided to end the conversation there, short and sweet and continue to his car. He had pushed too long without letting his blood, maybe if he was in a more clear mindset he would have noticed how the other man's eyes looked almost feral but Virgil had grown more prone to anger as he got older and the man had just assumed he was on another self-righteous kick to try and save Janus from himself. _"_

_(Get angry, tear them down and they'll back off. Really, you're such an easy target."_ Janus had offered the advice back in high school and Virgil, despite how awful he calls Janus, took the advice to heart. How was the man supposed to know something had happened? That this rage was different than all the other times Virgil had started yelling at him about his morals or whatever.)

**"Don't walk away from me."** Virgil's voice echoed throughout the parking lot, it was dark and commanding and despite Janus's plan to ignore his former friend his feet stopped moving, left him standing there and refused to budge as he heard the other man stalk closer.

(Janus later discovered that Virgil's influence couldn't force him to do anything he didn't want to do and the human really didn't want to think about what that implied but thankfully Virgil never brought it up.)

"Oh! I'm terribly sorry, mother. I didn't realize I needed to be excused from the table." Janus hid that spark of fear behind sarcasm but he could feel panic building up as his body refused to take a step forward. He wasn't able to do anything until the moment Virgil had grabbed his arm and forced the man to face him and started growling, like actually growling like some sort of rabid dog as his dark brown eyes were consumed in a luminescent purple. Janus had recognized what he was right away, heart racing to try and remember the last time he saw Virgil out in the sunlight, it must have been at most a month ago which meant that this had to be still new. "Oh, this is a... An interesting development." The shorter man took a step backward as his legs decide to work on their own again but he couldn't get very far with his former friend gripping his arm. A fledgling vampire still dealing with the new hunger of being half dead had his arm in a grip that would leave bruises later, taunting Janus for weeks about how fucked up his life is.

Janus would die before he ever willingly admit he was scared but seeing a starving beast wearing his once soft and scared friend's face still haunted him in his sleep.

Janus can't remember what happens after that Virgil pounces and bites into him, the next time he's aware of his surroundings he's in the man's apartment with the newly turned vampire having a panic attack in the bathroom because whoever sired him didn't take the time to stick around and explain anything that was happening to him apparently.

That was a fun night.

Virgil entered his home with no verbal complaint but his eyes spoke of disgust and anger that the taller man wasn't willing to express to one of his few willing meals until after he fed at the very least.

"It's cute how you keep crawling back to me, I'd be flattered if I wasn't just a meal to you." Janus grinned as he saw the vampire grit his teeth, it sometimes took a bit of prodding to get his former friend to bite as the man still dealt with lingering guilts of attacking him. Even though Janus was almost impressed that even if Virgil's half frenzied state that the vampire had been conscious enough to seek specifically him to eat, it was a whole new level of petty that Janus could appreciate even if the vampire was too soft-hearted to do any lasting damage.

"I'll let you know if I ever find someone who's as satisfying to finally shut up." Virgil spat, showing off just how much control he's gained over his hunger. There was a time when Virgil would near immediately bite into him, having starved himself out of remorse for hurting people that didn't seem like it ever applied when it came to Janus. Not that the human cared or anything, it didn't hurt.

"Oh, you'd make me jealous like that? How cruel of you." The shorter man took his spot on the couch, undoing the first few buttons of his shirt as Virgil sat beside him. "But right now I'm all you got, _monster_." Janus saw the flip switch in his old friend's head, that switch that turned off the guilt and had Virgil grabbing his hair and sinking his teeth into Janus's neck.

No matter how pissed off he made his former friend; Virgil's fangs always slid in carefully, making the punctures and pulling back to lap at the wound. It only hurt for a moment, a small pinch that breaks the skin before the vampire's venom got to work. It wasn't the right kind, it wasn't that beautiful pleasure that got Janus addicted but It made any and all tension slip from the human's form as some kind of relaxant pumped through Janus's system.

Virgil lets go of Janus's hair as the vampire felt him go limp, helping him sink down onto the couch before detaching his mouth and lapping away at the wound until the blood flow stops. Virgil never took as much as he really should, the shorter man knows that he leaves still hungry after only having shaved off the top of his hunger. "You're much more tolerable like this." His former friend mutters, lifting his head enough to push one of the couch pillows under his neck and wandering off. It wasn't really Janus's business if the vampire wanted to starve himself though, Virgil's an adult and can make his own bad choices.

"If I was more tolerable, you wouldn't be able to bite me." Janus slurs his words slightly, he may not be on any sort of high, everything about Virgil's abilities liked to make him temporary defenseless but it was nice to let go of the tension that he always carried with him. He always forgets how high he carries himself until he's like this, left with a nice soreness as he finally relaxes.

"God, don't even try telling me you're being all self-sacrificial for me. I will actually start strangling you." The vampire calls out from the kitchen, which clues Janus into what he's doing at least. The human snickers at that, amusement only growing when Virgil returns with a glass of orange juice. 

"I wouldn't dream of it Virgil, I wouldn't do anything unless it benefited me too."

His former friend got a strange look at the idea of someone getting something from their blood being sucked. "What the hell is that supposed to mean? What could you possibly get out of this?"

"Well, your marvelous company for one." Virgil didn't let him continue after that, lifting the orange juice up to the human's lips to drink. Not that he was actually going to tell his secrets, he could only imagine the pity party the other man would throw if he knew about the addiction the vampire is just feeding into.

"Yeah, I've had enough of your bullshit today," Virgil says in that annoyed gravely tone of his but still throws a blanket over the human, like the mother hen that the vampire has always been even when he hates someone's guts. "I'm out, text me if you start dying so I can come watch." Janus says nothing as the vampire slinks back into the night, leaving him alone with his thoughts which thankfully, aren't as bad with the vampires calming venom running through him.

It's easy to sleep but in the morning Janus knows it'll be much harder to wake up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My favorite trope is when all someone's problems are kinda their own fault and are fully aware that said problems could probably be fixed if they reached out to others but they're like "Yeah, that's the healthy thing to do but like, I'd rather suffer then talk about my problems lol."


	3. Logan would rather just drink from a cup, thanks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Logan tries to care and Janus decides that's bullshit and figures out flirting is a good way to avoid your problems.

Janus sat in a sterile little room at the night clinic, waiting for one of the doctors.

  
The clinic is set up as a healthy and safe way for a vampire to come feed, donors could either have their blood drawn or sign a consent form that allows a vampire to drink from them directly. A human would even be paid a decent amount for their blood, which was something that Janus could get behind. He wasn't as much of an idealist to actually think that it was enough pay to truly help people but he's watched as people come in desperate and leave with a little hope.

  
Janus hasn't been a regular donor for quite a while now, the clinic has rules about only being able to donate so much in a certain time frame and said time frame wasn't nearly enough for the human to not start feeling the side effects of having too much blood so he was more prone to finding less socially acceptable ways to get what he wants.

  
Of course, one of the doctors had caught on to why exactly Janus had been such a regular when he was; which is another reason he avoids the clinic but the human had found that if he didn't come in often enough for a check-up then said doctor would find him to make sure he's still alive or whatever.

  
Doctor Logan Berry is a smart man and far too caring for his own good, despite his instance that he's just doing his job. Janus scoffed at the thought, it was no doctor's job to come into their patient's personal life and demand that they either accept help from them or get reported to someone who could make Janus get help.

Janus had at first denied that accusations because of course, he did, if such things got out then people could use it to undermine him but Logan is astutely aware of Janus's behavior which he isn't sure if it's just Logan being hyper-vigilant or if it's a vampire power thing. He's sure the doctor would happily tell him if he asked which is the entire of the reason Janus hasn't asked because he's petty and won't give Logan the satisfaction.

  
But speak of the devil, while Janus was lost in his musing the vampire emerges from the staff door with a bag around over his shoulder. The man watches with fascination as Logan greets him with a nod and going to talk to the receptionist for a moment, Logan's eyes don't glow like most vampires but instead catch the light and reflect a deep blue from normally gray eyes. The florescent lights of the waiting room gave lots of chances to see the supernatural color shift but thankfully in a clinic for vampires you don't really need to worry about being outed as a vampire.

  
"Mr. Ceit, I'm glad you made it." The doctor finally comes up to speak with him like the human has much of a choice. "I have some interesting news."

Janus follows Logan out of the clinic, all of their meetings had to be on a "personal" basis so that the doctor wasn't obligated to report any information that the human shared with him(not that Janus shared much, mind you but he appreciates the subtlety.)

  
"It seems as though we were correct in our theory of your blood replenishing faster than most but I've yet to confirm how exactly it does so." Another reason they needed to be alone is that Logan is practically studying him, the vampire explained that most people who suffered from the venom's addiction either needed professional help more than research or had a vampire over their shoulder not letting anyone get close. Logan had expressed that Janus should really be getting professional help but the taller man also took great delight in learning about his suffering while he wasn't.

  
"Great, I already knew that."

"Indeed, it was a likely theory but it's now confirmed and out of the way so we can focus on other things. I have gotten in contact with an old acquaintance of mine who shares the bloodline of this particular venom and he has confirmed and provided much." This is finally what gets the human's attention back on the doctor. "He has informed me that the venom normally only becomes addicted after being bitten multiple times within a short time frame which, I admit, raises up some concerns I've had for a while."

  
Janus keeps his eyes forward as he feels the gaze of the other man on him. He doesn't bother to dignify that with a response, mostly because of the way his throat tightens up as he fights back a memory. He knows the vampire could likely hear his heart beating faster and this would likely just "confirm his suspensions" in that stupid big head of his but Janus is a man of pride and it's much easier to just pretend this isn't happening at all.

  
"Janus, I completely respect that you don't wish to share this sensitive information with me but I would like you to understand that you are completely safe with me." Ugh, here we go again. "I've noticed you have issues with trust. I'm not sure if that stems from my condition as a vampire or something else but if you won't talk to me I can refer you to a human therapist."

  
"Oh my- Dr. Berry, would you kindly shut up about this?" The shorter man hisses out, raising his gloved hand to rub at his temple to ease the rising frustration. "I'm sure this caring act works so well for others but I'm a busy man and I don't have all day to listen to you try and get me to better myself."

  
"I believe that response is the result of cognitive distortions. I genuinely do care about your well being, it is no act to gain... Whatever it is you think I would gain from this." Logan needs to pick up the pace to keep up with Janus's walking, it would be amusing to watch the taller man awkwardly keep up beside him if he wasn't being so irritating. "Bettering oneself should always be a goal, I understand you try to convince yourself that nothing is wrong but you actively put yourself in dangerous situations to achieve momentary gain from individuals who may not have your best intentions at heart."

  
"Logan." Janus stops suddenly in his tracks, turning on his heels to stare down the vampire who stumbles to a stop at the sudden change. "I'm not some pretty whore you need to save and keep off the streets."

Logan's eyes immediately widen. "I didn't mean to imply-"

"I'm not a drug addict that needs your pity to get a better life."

"Of course, you're-"

"Stop it. Tell me about this acquaintance of yours or I'm going home, I don't need anything from you if you're just going to lecture me." Janus almost forgets he's speaking with a supernatural being with the pathetic expression Logan has on his face and his sputtered silence.

After a moment the doctor sighs, running a hand through his hand before nodding. "Very well, there's a twenty-four-hour cafe just down the street we can sit at while we talk."

Logan says nothing until they reach the little cafe, going to take a seat in the back whole Janus orders them both coffee. He doesn't really know why he buys the vampire some as he doesn't need to drink it at all but he's watched how the taller man seemed to take pleasure in consuming small amounts of regular foods and drinks, Janus never asked about it and Logan never offered an explanation, only a quiet "thank you" as the vampire accepts the beverage.

"My acquaintance is not very educated in the sciences, I am unsure if this is because he just doesn't bother to learn or if he's from a time before modern but I have been about to piece things together from his explanation." The doctor lifts the cup of black scalding coffee to his mouth and takes a sip of it with no issue and Janus is sure the man is fucking with him. "Now, when this venom-" They really need a better name for it. "-is injected it acts near immediately to release a large amount of endorphins, that is what causes the high one feels. Upon the first bite, the venom fades quickly but leaves behind, and I quote, 'a sleeper agent of sorts.' It fades quickly if the host is left alone for a certain period of time but if said host is bitten again by the same vampire, this "sleeper agent" immediately releases dopamine. That is what gets you addicted."

Janus remembers wishing the first bite had hurt more. He remembers the second and third leaving him feeling sick because of how good it felt. He remembers nearly throwing himself off the roof on the fourth day because he caught himself looking forward to the feeling, a gross thing inside of him wanting more. The human doesn't know if knowing the actual science behind it helps but it's a nice thought that it wasn't really his fault.

Logan continues, his voice taking a softer edge to it. "This is what would make one feel a connection to the vampire biting them. My acquaintance explained that it is unfortunately often, even when bitten unwillingly, that a human may find themselves believing they have a connection with the vampire that injected them and choose to stay close to them. I believe this may be a dose oxytocin that is released after the initial bite itself."

Logan is watching his reactions, an inquisitive look shining behind gray-blue eyes like he's trying to make sense of a puzzle and Janus stares him head-on, keeping his expression schooled in hopes of not giving the vampire anything more then he already has.

"The venom itself stays in your system for about a month." The doctor continues suddenly. Janus isn't sure how much he's been figured out. "While it seems that the dopamine response can be activated with any vampire bite but eventually the venom will start stimulating one's pain receptors in an act of self-preservation. If the inflicted doesn't create enough of a bond to stay with the vampire that bit them then usually the withdrawal is what gets them to return. Supposedly, this is where the term "vampire thrall" came from as the human would remain under the vampire's control or suffer through great pain without them."

The word "thrall" makes Janus wince despite his attempts to stay unaffected, he could still hear that cocky voice, cooing in his ear. "Fascinating." Logan's form in more subdued and the human can practically feel the pity radiating off him in waves. "Can never have good news about this, hm?" The human takes a sip of his cooling coffee, trying to appear nonchalant even as something sickening settles in his guts.

"I'm afraid there's rarely good news about addictions." Logan takes a deep breath and mercifully shifts his gaze away from the human to look out the window. "If I could get you in contact with trusted vampires to feed your dopamine rush, would you agree to not seek out strangers for it?"

The vampire speaks so mournfully, staring out the window like a saddened widow. It's hilarious. "My, my. Dr. Berry, coming on a bit strong are we?" Janus chuckles at how the vampire's head immediately whips to stare at him in shock.

"I didn't mean it like-"

"If you want a taste so bad, you could have just asked." The human practically purrs, taking a sadistic sort of glee as the good doctor squirms under his gaze. Logan must have eaten recently because Janus swears he can see some color light up in the taller man's cheeks.

"I didn't- I wasn't implying that- That I would want to- I'm not really-" Suddenly all the irritatingly gentle care from the vampire is worth it. "I was referring to others who would be- would be interested, not myself." Logan finally stutters out, nervously adjusting his tie as the man had trouble holding contact with Janus's eyes.

"I'm hurt, truly. Who would treat me better than you, good doctor?" Janus fights back a grin to pout innocently. "Couldn't I convinced you?"

The human is slightly startled as Logan slams his hands on the table and stands up, Janus is momentarily concerned he crossed some sort of line before the doctor rambles out. "I believe that is all I wished to discuss with you tonight!" Dear Lord, the vampire's face is almost completely pink. "You have my information if you need to get in contact with me, have a nice evening." And just like that, the vampire vanished with a gust of wind.

Janus is left with two coffees, a confused looking employee and a great deal of satisfaction as he makes a mental note of this interesting development. In all his annoyance with the doctor, it never crossed his mind to flirt his way out of a situation. A smirk graces his lips as he took another sip at his drink.

Janus almost looks forward to his next appointment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact, the vampires Logan would recommend for Janus is just Virgil and Roman whom of which Janus already knows but I didn't get to include that because as I was writing Deceit decided he was going to flirt instead of accepting help.
> 
> Also please note that i dont know what i'm talking about with all the brain chemicals i just wanted to sound smart


	4. Roman calls it a love bite

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roman:Durus, I'm worried about you and want to help.
> 
> Deceit: dUrUs, I'm WoRrIeD aBoUt YoU aNd WaNt To HeLp.

Janus is starting to really feel it now, there's only so long that the human can put it off before it just stops going away and as the end of the month draws closer and closer-

The venom in his system could be held off for a bit by giving in to the urge of having his blood sucked but after enough time it starts to fade and the withdrawals start to kick in, even if he's regularly meeting with vampires, if they don't share this special type of venom, it can only last so long on its own.

His encounter with Remus had given him a much needed boost and a new acquaintance that, now Janus wasn't pinned by him in an alleyway, was quite an interesting character. Definitely insane and someone Janus is not sure he wants around his throat again but at a safe distance could be very amusing as the man seemed like he wasn't just interested in being "blood buddies" as he called it and spammed the human's phone with memes and unintelligible ideas that just popped in his head.

It would have been more fun if his phone wasn't going off all hours of the night because, despite his nightly escapades, Janus really does need sleep. Especially since he's almost gotten used to sleeping in the dark again, it's an embarrassing little side effect of the past but the human was determined to ignore that annoying fear of someone lurking in the dark of his room.

So he's exhausted and the venom is fading, leaving him irritable and sore. The side effects vary, from feeling like blood is flashing between ice crystals jabbing through his skin or getting so hot that he thinks it'll bubble out of his pores. None of this actually happens, he's actually just left taking a sick day while his mind and his body tries to fight a losing battle against the urge because no matter how close Janus gets to overcoming it-

The human decides it really isn't worth it.

He has three contacts that could "help" him.

The first one is him, the absolute asshole. Janus doesn't actually have the vampire's contact saved in his phone but no matter how hard he tries to forget, that bastard's number has been implanted in his brain. He's never an actual option as Janus would rather die than go crawling back to that monster.

The second is Remus, which has explained before; is also no. Janus wouldn't be surprised if the man is half-feral which, as self-destructive as the Janus admittedly can be at times, is kinda pushing it.

So there wasn't really any sort of debate, his third and best option is Roman. The man's a bit of an idiot but to the point it's endearing. The vampire doesn't meet Janus too often, says he doesn't need to eat as often as other vampires do and that it works for the better because of his venom(Janus had to sit through him explaining the dangers of his venom while the human was already suffering from the effects of it but Janus wasn't about to reveal that fact to Roman and risk losing his one sane and safe fix.)

The only downside is that Roman is a bit of a romantic, which would be fine as Janus himself knows how to lay on the charm like it's no one's business when he's in his right mind. In fact, it's amusing how he and Roman dance around each other in a battle of who can fluster the other.

The problem lies in the fact that this is while he's right of mind and Janus becomes anything but after Roman's bite-

Well, it's embarrassing. Even if Janus tried to leave after, Roman would scoop him up and carry him to the guest bedroom. It was either deal with the taller man's affections for the night or agree to have the vampire take him home.

Janus may find Roman endearing but he will never allow a vampire to know where he lives, the human may have left him behind in another city but Janus can't risk it, he has built a life here in the past five years and he's already risking so much.

"Jan!" Roman shouts from across the room bounding towards the human-like a giant puppy and pulling him into a hug. "It's been so long, oh how I've missed you!" Janus allows the taller man exactly four seconds before he pulls himself from the gentle grip to give himself about a good foot of space.

The human rolls his eyes. "It's only been a few weeks, dear." But relents as he usually does. "But I am looking forward to this evening, it's not often I have the night off." A bald-faced lie but it's not like Roman would know of his nightly activities.

"I just finished making popcorn, I'll get the wine if you go pick a movie?"

"Roman, eating makes you sick." Janus exasperates, not that he really cares or anything though, the vampire can do whatever he wants.

"What? No, it's just for you." The taller man waves him off before turning on heel and walking forward into his home. "I'm not going to eat it, relax."

"I'm sure you won't. Obviously, because you never try to any time I have food." Janus stalks after him, doing his best to keep his poise as he realizes just how hard his hands are shaking. Thankfully, Roman doesn't notice, too busy escaping his call out to turn around and seeing how he keeps his hands behind his back.

"Look, it's not my fault mortals make such good food! I didn't have nearly this much variety in my day." Roman's voice grumbles from the kitchen as Janus grabs the first Disney movie he sees and puts it on.

Time drags by too slowly, half way during the movie Janus starts to feel Roman's eyes on him. The human has been fighting to keep perfectly still while it feels like pins and needles are jabbing under his skin, he thinks he's doing a pretty good job for a while but he can hear his heart beating far too loudly in his ears and has no doubt that Roman can hear it too.

"Janus, I think we should talk."

Dread crawls up the human's spine like cold fingers but he hid it behind a smile, tilting his head to look at Roman. "Oh, dear... Are you breaking up with me?"

"Ah, you'd have to let me take you on a date first before I could do that." The vampire chuckles but his amusement fades quickly. "But no, I wanted to talk to you about... Well, this."

"This?" Janus prompts despite knowing exactly where this is going but he can only hope.

"Yes, I had a friend come by recently and ask me questions about my venom which isn't that weird, the dudes a huge nerd but-" Janus internally curses, knowing immediately that this is Logan's fault. "It got me thinking..."

"A dangerous pastime."

"Ha... That is true." Roman muses as he brushes a hand through his hair, the vampire shifts on the couch to face Janus with a look in his eyes that carries a deep sadness, one that forces the human to break eye contact as something tightens in his throat. "Please, be honest with me Janus. I know you aren't often but-" The vampire trails off, hesitating before reaching out to take the shorter man's hand.

Janus's hands are clammy and trembling in Roman's gentle grip despite his best efforts to still them, just the gentle touch of skin sends fire up his nerves and makes his blood sing with something desperate and painful.

"I tried so hard to be careful but I... I hurt you, didn't I?" Roman's voice is laced with feeling, his eyes gleam with guilt and tears. "I know what the addiction feels like, Janus. I can help-"

"Shut up." The human cuts him off and yanks his hand back. "You didn't do anything to me, I was already-" He swallows the lump in his throat, admitting the truth hurt more than the needles in his veins. "So just- just stop it." His voice came out harsher then he meant, glaring at the vampire who's expression morphed from shock into pity.

"Oh, Janus... You-" Roman choked on his words, eyes shining with tears that left a gross feeling in the humans gut. "I can help you through-"

"I don't need help." Janus snaps, it's like a flip switched in his mind, his heart steeling itself from pain and turning him icy cold with it. "Bite me, Roman." He demands but the vampire shook his head and stands from the couch.

"No, Janus. I know what the need feels like and I know it hurts but-"

"You don't know anything!" Janus soon follows onto his feet, frustration and fear prickle under his skin but he tries to shove it with a sigh. "It's fine, Roman." He grits his teeth, fighting the urge to lash out at the vampire who was refusing him the only relief he could get. "I know what I'm doing, I know the dangers and I'm careful." He assures in a much calmer zone, schooling his expression to something softer. "This is why I come to you. I know you would never hurt me, my prince."

It's a dirty trick, playing into Roman's need to protect but it works. The vampire's shoulders lose a little bit of tension which gives Janus the courage to step forward and reach his shakey hand up until he's cupping the back of Roman's head, tangled into the taller man's soft hair.

"I wouldn't just turn to anyone for this." Janus lies through his teeth as he gently pulls Roman's head down until his mouth is at the crook of his neck. "I trust you, Roman."

Janus shivers as he feels the man's breath, he could weep with the pure relief he feels just by the anticipation of having those sharp fangs so close to his neck.

"I won't hurt you, my darling." Roman mumbles close to his ear before pulling back, straightening his back despite Janus tugging on his hair to bring him back down. "I know it feels like it hurts more now but I can help you." Roman's eyes sparkle with something so soft, looking at Janus like he's something precious despite how the human is shivering and sweating from a sickness that claws deep inside him. "Let me help you, Janus."

The slap that meets Roman's cheek echos through the building, Janus feels red eyes boring into him as he flees from yet another burning bridge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Deceit digs his own grave and then decides to keep digging just for funzies when some tells him to maybe get out of it and i think that's pretty sexy of him


	5. Remus has claws too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oh boi, this one- this one is a doozy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: lot's of threats, flashbacks, injuries, panic attack(?), some heart break near the end there ;'(

**Janus** 07:34pm

Are you busy tonight?

**Remus ;p** 09:09pm

I'm sure I can make some time for a sweet little thing like you ;^) same place?

**Remus ;p** 09:09pm

You were so cute all high on me

**Remus ;p** 09:10pm

I can't wait to taste you again ;;;;^)

**Janus** 09:17pm

I want you to understand that you are my last resort, you disgusting mongrel.

**Remus ;p** 09:18pm

Please keep calling me that O//w//O

**Remus ;p** 09:19pm

Make me your bitch little man u//w//u I'll let you muzzle me

Janus doesn't dignify that with a response, leaving the vampire on read.

Checking his phone, Janus finds it a little after one in the morning as he approaches the familiar bar. He walked most of the way, too irritated to deal with someone driving him and far too shaky to drive himself. He feels underdressed, wearing more looser and casual clothes instead of his usual suit but it's a necessary sacrifice if he doesn't want to keep soaking his outfits in sweat.

He still feels clammy now, the slightest breeze giving him chills and forcing him to clench his jaw least his teeth start chattering.

It'll be over soon. The thought brings little comfort as he moves past the bar and into the alleyway. The pain will stop soon and he can figure out a better solution to this than risking his neck with someone he doesn't even know the face of.

Janus feels Remus's presence before he sees him, the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end as he moves deeper into the alley until he's just out of sight of the main street.

"Hey, Janna banana." A voice calls out, drawing Janus's attention. Remus stalks forward from a side alley, all the human can really make out is his silhouette and toxic green eyes in the dark lighting. "So glad you could make it. I've got a bone to break with you." The voice is sweet-sounding and teasing but Janus instinctively takes a step back as the vampire gets closer, alarm bells going off in his head.

"I'm sure I don't know what you mean." The human tries to save face as he continues backing away. He's shaky and weak and now his heart is pounding in his ears, Remus hasn't even done anything beyond move closer to him, doesn't even approach in an aggressive way but Janus can feel his throat close up with panic as the vampire's eyes stare into him.

"Yeah, probably not." Remus thankfully pauses when Janus's back hits the brick wall of the bar, leaving several feet between them. "Do you think if I ripped out my eyes and replaced yours with them that you'd be able to see in the dark? It's kinda good you can't though, you probably wouldn't have come if you'd actually saw my face when I was sucking your neck."

"What are you-"

"But you did!" Remus interrupts him and claps his hands together. "So I can fucking tear you to little tiny pieces!" Glowing eyes scrunch up with glee as Janus's lungs stop working. "Isn't that fun?!"

"I- now, Remus. I-I haven't done anything to you. You-"

"Ohh, you haven't done anything to me but my poor sweet baby bro?" Janus barely has time to blink before he's shoved back against hard bricks, Remus towers over him and the human is terrified to look up but doesn't get much choice when the vampire grabs his jaw and snaps his head up. "Why don't you try hitting me? Wanna see what happens? I won't let you leave like Roman did."

Remus stares into his eyes as the realization sink in, grinning a sharp smile as Janus moves past his frozen state and shoves at the vampire's chest. "No, no, no, let go of me!" The human struggles in Remus's grasp, clawing at the man to try and get any sort of leverage to escape but it only makes the vampire press against him to pin still.

"You're so cute when you struggle, you have to know you can't win right? Even if you aren't all fucked from withdrawals there's no way you could escape me. I wonder if I could give you enough venom to keep you on the edge of withdrawals forever, torture you and leave you just begging to be a snack for me. Wouldn't that be fun? I could make you crave me endlessly until Roman finds out and beats my ass, bet you'll accept his help then."

_"You're such a cutie when you squirm like that." That mockingly positive voice coos in Janus's ear, the cold breath just makes the human shiver and thrash harder against the hands that keep his forearms pinned to the wall. "Just give in, babes. Let me keep you forever, I know you already love it, I feel your blood begging for me." Janus shakes his head, unable to find his voice but tears already starting to leak from his eyes._

_"Aw, baby boo. It's okay~" It's not, it's really not but Janus is trapped by inhumane strength as fangs pierce his skin and force him to give in._

  
Except they don't, instead Janus grabs at the silver knife tucked under his belt and buries in the vampire's gut. He doesn't think, he can't, he just knows that Remy is off him and he needs to run while the vampire is busy cursing and trying to get the burning metal out of their stomach.

He stumbles from the wall, lungs burning and nerves frayed as he dashes through the alley. He didn't walk in too deep, just out of sight so before long he can see the streetlights and a passer-by but just before reaching relatively safety the back of his shirt is snagged and chokes him as he's yanked backward.

Janus is spun around so fast he can barely process it but he locks eyes with the vampire and for the first time can actually see him. Remus looks almost exactly the same as Roman but lacks all the soft edges and gentle eyes, instead, a beast snarls down at him and the human only realizes he's been hit after he's on the ground and clutching at his bleeding cheek.

His mind goes blank, he can't breathe or think through the wave of panic. He's barely able to recognize an unfamiliar voice crying out, doesn't feel it when too warm hands grab at his wrists to pull it away from his face while some stranger frantically asks if he's alright.

All Janus can smell is iron, feel liquid dripping down the left side of his face, his gloves now stained red.

He needs to get out of here.

He shakes off whoever is touching him, snaps at them with words he can't even process saying as he scrambles to his feet. He shoves the people in his way, fleeing into the streets while ignoring the stares he gets from onlookers he passes. His heart is racing, ready to burst out of his chest as he keeps moving like a man being chased. He may very well be, he doesn't know for sure but every time he stumbles the slightest bit it feels like he's about to be grabbed and dragged back into darkness.

Enough time passes that he slows down, feet aching and nerves on fire as the adrenaline wears off and leaves him exhausted. His legs are weak and god, is he fucking tired. He pulls out his phone without thinking, he's not entirely sure where he is or if anyone was really around to notice him. Janus doesn't realize what he's doing until his thumb hovers over the call button, Virgil's contact open and staring accusingly at him.

He feels weak, in pain and far too vulnerable, claw marks bleeding freely from his face and throbbing in time with his pulse. Virgil would come for him if he called, even if it's mostly out of obligation. Virgil would come because even if his former friend hated Janus, he would still rush to take care of him in this pathetic state.

Janus tries to convince himself that his finger twitches, it's believable with how much his hands tremble but he knows that this is a moment of weakness and a repressed urge to for some sort of comfort from his friend. Virgil will ask questions, he'll demand answers and Janus knows that he's cracked enough to give them.

He lifts his phone to his ear and listens as it rings, once, twice- it clicks.

"Virge-"

"Hey, this is Virgil Storm. Can't talk right now so leave a message and I'll-" Janus numbly hits the end call button before he can be directed to voicemail.

He hung up on him.

Janus stares blankly at his phone, after a few moments the automatically goes dark. For a few moments, everything is numb and cold, the ache of his bone and stabbing in his blood is nothing but background noise.

Virgil hung up on him.

Janus feels pathetic.

He ignores the burning in his eyes, pretends his cuts done sting when his tears roll over them.

Janus is pathetic.

So what, he gets scratched a little and his immediate response is to crawl to someone who hates him? Anger replaces his numbness, white-hot disgust drowns out the pain in his chest. He's so weak that he needs to call for help like some lost child? Virgil made it clear to him a million times over that he hates Janus, he hates that Janus uses people and that Janus isn't afraid to use his advantages to move forward. Virgil, half-feral from his first feed, somehow hated him enough to seek him out to be his target.

How fucking pathetic is he that he immediately tries to cry on that asshole's shoulder when he gets hurt?

Janus shoves his phone back in his pocket, pulling up his sleeve to wipe away tears and dab at dripping blood.

He's better than this. He never needed Virgil before and he certainly doesn't need him now. He's suffering withdrawals, of course, he's going to have moments of weakness so he's glad, in fact, that Virgil hung up on him. He's grateful that his former friend decided he wasn't worth it because this is exactly the reminder that Janus needs, friends will disappoint him, family will leave him, he only needs himself.

It hurts, everything in him hurts. Both physically and emotionally but Janus picks himself up and hardens his resolve. All his contacts with the venom he needs are dead to him, that's fine. He likely won't be able to find another vampire with it before he just shuts down from the pain unless he's extremely lucky, great. Fantastic. Amazing.

So now begs the question.

What is he supposed to do now?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Meanwhile, Virgil, sitting in his apartment at 2am playing Animal Crossing hears his phone ring and just instinctively hangs up without looking at it.
> 
> Man, the reason this took so long is only because I wanted to write Patton's chapter first but no matter what it just came out wrong so like, last night i just gave up and did this which i had a ton of notes for since i was just waiting to get here


	6. Logan offers his hand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Janus puts his shovel down for just a moment as Logan points how deep his self-made grave is getting.

Janus sits on the curb of a street corner, staring at his phone. He managed to send in an email to work, informing them of a "family emergency" that he'll need time off for. It's nearly four in the morning so he won't get a response until later so now he just stares at his contact list until his phone goes dark and then turns it back on to stare more.

The human has no idea where he is and doesn't really care enough to find out just yet. He deleted Remus's contact easily, plans to block the number once he moves past this fog. Deleting Roman is a little harder, there's this shriveled weak pang in his heart that tells him to try calling the sweet man for help, maybe apologize but it's likely that any contact with Roman could lead to Remus so he erases that contact with only a little mourning.

Now Virgil's contact stares at him once more. Just an hour ago Janus had been furious and ready to burn that bridge but whatever fire he had has burnt out, leaving him cold and tired.

So very tired.

It feels like every muscle aches, his hands are cramping just from holding his phone too long and his feet have been burning ever since he sat down. He doesn't watch to think about the scratches on his cheek, the blooding had slowed down but it still hurt. Janus had no idea how deep the cuts are, doesn't want to imagine that they might leave him scarred. He's not sure how he's going to explain to them if they do, every excuse he's been using for years have all decided to leave him.

He backs out of Virgil's contact, scrolling back up to tap on Dr. Berry's name.

One chance, this one isn't a weakness. He convinces himself as he hits the call button and brings it up to his ear. He's been injured and he's calling a doctor, he's not expecting anything more than a patch-up, just making sure he doesn't need stitches.

He better not need stitches, Janus shudders. He doesn't know if he could handle any sort of needle near his face right now.

"Mr. Ceit." A voice startles Janus who had forgotten what he was doing. "I should ask you what you're doing up at this hour."

Janus let's out a breath and he's almost embarrassed by how relieved he is that Logan picked up. He opens his mouth to speak but the words freeze in his throat, he has no clue what to say, how does he admit what happened?

"Janus?" Logan asks after too long of a silence.

"Doctor." The human finally manages to choke out weakly, he tries to sound neutral but his voice cracks and he immediately knows that Logan knows.

"Are you okay, Janus?" Worry soaks through the speaker, he can hear the rustling of papers.

"I'm fine." Janus answers on instinct.

"I somehow doubt that. You have never willingly called me before, what's wrong?"

"How do I know if I need stitches?" Janus asks without thinking. All he can taste is blood, the coppery tang refusing to leave his tongue.

"Janus, where are you?" The vampire's voice comes through more urgent.

"I don't want to go to the hospital, I already sent an email." He supposes he could explain away the email as something he did while panicked, which would probably earn him some pity points from his co-workers but it would also mark him as being frightened.

"That's not what I asked. Can you explain your surroundings for me?"

"You didn't answer my question either." That earns a sigh from the doctor, Janus almost smiles but the even just the twitch of his lips hurts the cuts.

"How deep is it?"

"I haven't looked at it."

"When did you get it?"

"About two hours ago."

"Is it still bleeding? Is it squirting blood?"

Logan continues to ask questions and Janus answers them to the best of his ability but he can't imagine he's being much help when he can't see the scratches. The doctor remains calm which Janus appreciates more then he should, Logan's voice clears his head a bit.

"Any abrasion longer then an inch should be looked at by a doctor. Janus, can you tell me where you are? I won't force you to go to a hospital unless you absolutely need to."

There's a long silence after that, Janus sighs through his nose and considers it. Reasonably, he knows that he should take Logan's assistance, that's what he initially called to do after all but he didn't think about how the doctor would be seeing him.

"Janus, are you on any substances right now?"

The human chuckled at that. "Fuck, I wish." His head certainly feels fuzzy enough to be some sort of drug or venom but he knows he wasn't bitten, he thought he was for a second back there, though he could feel the fangs and the liquid warmth for a moment, but that was just a memory, a bad one. "I'm fine now, doctor. Thank you for your help." He says numbly as Janus pushes himself up and onto his feet, only swaying a little.

"Janus." Logan sighs, sounding tired. "I understand your hesitance to accept assistance but it would reassure me if I knew you were somewhere safe."

"I am somewhere safe." Janus responds without hesitance.

"Falsehood."

"Fair enough." The doctor dearest has gotten too good with his bullshit. "But there's really nothing you can to make me tell you where I am." Janus ignores how heavy his limbs feel in favor of looking around, finding the street name easily as he was already at the corner anyway.

"You're right, Janus. I cannot force you to give me anything you don't wish to give." Logan's voice sounds tired through the phone. "It is frustrating to watch you refuse help that you need when I can so easily provide it."

"I don't need anything."

"You need venom." The vampire just calls him out like that. "Or at least you act as you do."

"I don't-" Janus pauses to take a deep breath before he snaps at the one person still trying to help him. "I'm aware that I don't need the venom and that I'd be better without it." He speaks slowly through gritted teeth, his adrenaline had kept him distracted but just like that Janus is reminded of how thick his blood feels, of the weight on his shoulders that just make him want to lay down until the burning passes.

"No one can help you unless you let them." Logan's voice is soft, far too sentimental for someone who claims to not have his logic clouded by emotions. "Addiction is a difficult battle, Janus. It's as much phycological as it is physical. It's a disease that distorts your thinking, behavior, and body functions. It won't just go away even after you 'quit' as this is something your brain keeps telling you that you need." Janus has heard this all before, Logan just loves to remind him. "Even with a proper support group, which I honestly don't think you have,"

"Ouch."

"It will be hard to overcome. I assume that your need for a fix is what put you in harm's way tonight, isn't it?" There's a stretch of silence as Janus doesn't answer, which in itself gives away the truth. "I am concerned. I had hoped that by giving you support and space that you might eventually reach out but I am beginning to doubt that, Mr. Ceit."

The words die on Janus's tongue, this sounds a lot like when Virgil started hating him. Empty words with hidden meanings of "I thought you'd get over this." And "I'm starting to give up on you."

"Give me your location, Janus," Logan demands again. "I'll pick you up and tend to your injuries. If after that you just wish to return to your home then I will take you there but give me this, let me help you this once."

Logan waits on the phone for a minute, then two, then three as Janus feels like he's choking. The doctor doesn't end the call, patient as Janus struggles with himself. He almost hangs up, his thumb hovers over the end call button because he really doesn't need some nobody hovering over him and telling him what's best for his health but...

He really doesn't have anything else and Logan asks nothing of him.

Janus barely recognizes that he mumbles out the street name until Logan tells him to stay put and hangs up.

He tries to rationalize it. He's injured and he's called a doctor, said doctor is doing his job to assist him. It's not weakness, he may need stitches and this is better than going to the hospital and being stuck there indefinitely. It's not weakness, even as his hands shake and he fights back tears once again.

He feels pathetic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry, Durus isn't done digging yet. This is just a nice break for him, as a treat before I actually destroy his whole life. 
> 
> I'm just super weak for soft Loceit, I actually struggled with this chapter because I wanted Dee to reject Logan's help but my weak heart couldn't do it so not I gotta write around Logan to get to the breaking point


	7. Logagain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Logan manages to pull Janus out of his self-made grave long enough to convince him to take a shower.

Janus is back to sitting on the corner by the time Logan arrives, his body is weighed down by gravity and his skin is sticky with sweat and drying blood. The occasional breeze gives him chills but at least the shivering has died down for the moment. This late(or early) there isn't much traffic passing so when a dark Toyota with tinted windows pulls up across the street Janus pulls himself out of his haze in time to see Logan rushing across the street towards him.

"Doctor." Janus greets without his usual flare, half surprised that Logan even bothered to come for him despite the fact that that's what he was waiting around for. Logan stops just in front of him and Janus doesn't miss the way the doctor winces when they make eye contact. "That bad?"

"It's hard to tell under the blood." Logan moves slowly as he reaches towards the human as though he's a frightened mutt. "I'm going to help you stand, okay?"

For once Janus doesn't protest any assistance, gripping onto the sleeves of Logan's coat as the vampire helps pull him up by his arms. Black spots appear in his peripherals as the only thing that keeps him from toppling over from how his head swims with dizziness is Logan's grip on his forearms. The doctor thankfully doesn't say anything, letting Janus fight back nausea in peace.

"We're going to walk back to my vehicle, okay?" Logan's voice is quiet, it would be soothing if it didn't make Janus's ears heat up in embarrassment. "I can-"

"I'm not a child!" He snaps, yanking his arms back with probably more force than necessary as the doctor lets his arms go easily, not tightening his grip or pulling him back like Janus was expecting.

"No, you're not a child." The vampire speaks carefully, keeping his hands raised and in Janus's sight like he's trying to pacify him. "But you are in pain. It's okay to lean on me if it makes it easier for you."

It's a tense moment, Janus feels cornered despite the fact he knew that he wasn't. The human wanted to save face, to snap or lash out in any way just so he didn't feel so pathetic in front of the vampire but none of the words leave his throat.

Logan looks so human in front of him, eyes full of caution and concern. The man in front of him is someone who's dedicated his life to medical study, who's own mortality didn't prevent him from continuing to try and advance something that barely affects him anymore. The doctor in front of him saw patterns that every other single person who saw Janus missed and instead of ignoring the issue or forcing the human to recovery programs that didn't even work half the time, had respected Janus's choices while trying to make sure he didn't self destruct.

Janus's shoulders lose their tension. He's sure he looks like a mess, covered in sweat and blood with dried tear trails on his face while wearing too loose clothing he normally would never let anyone see him in.

His walls are crumbling.

The bitter part of him wants to blame literally anyone else, Virgil for abandoning him, Roman for feeding into his addiction, Logan for never doing anything, countless other faces that have seen him and just never cared.

He could blame the one who did this, who destroyed him from the inside out and turned him into this desperate creature. The bastard that haunts his dreams and makes him terrified of the shadows in his room because they just loved to hover over him while he slept like a poor imitation of the boogieman.

But Logan stands in front of him, genuine and patient but hesitating as he half expects Janus's verbal attack.

"I'm so tired, Dr. Berry." He just doesn't have the energy.

"I'd imagine so," Logan's voice is careful as he takes a step forward, offering his hand out to Janus. "After the night you likely had." Janus's hand feels like it's weighed down by lead but Logan holds it up easily. "We can get you cleaned up and you can rest."

The human swallows the lump in his throat, stepping forward and Logan leads him towards the care. "I don't think this is the type of tired I can sleep off."

The doctor guides him to sit sideways in the passenger seat, pulling a small first aid kit and a few napkins from the glove box. "I would assume not but that doesn't mean you will always be tired. Can you pass me the water bottle behind you?"

Janus numbly reaches back, grabbing the water from the cup holder. "Does my blood smell appetizing?" He asks as Logan unscrews the cap of the bottle and wets the napkin.

"It smells like blood. Hold still." Logan cups the uninjured side of his face to tilt his head up and dabs at the dried blood along his cheek, avoiding the cuts for the moment to wipe the area clean.

Janus suppresses his winces even though Logan is as gentle as can be. "Oh? I've been told I smell like citrus." He says as Logan puts the bloody napkin aside to snap open the first aid kit and pull on some gloves.

"You mostly smell like sweat right now-"

"Rude."

"-Your citrus scent is just from the fragrance oil in the soap you use, it's not naturally occurring," Logan explains as he rips open an antiseptic wipe. "That's not to say that I can't smell the difference between your blood and someone else's. This will hurt a bit," Logan interrupts himself to offer a warning before wiping at the cuts, Janus has to bite back a hiss at the sting. "But blood just smells like blood, it's not even that good smelling if I'm honest."

"I've-" Janus grits his teeth for a moment until the stinging settles. "I've been around others that disagree."

"Yes, I haven't met many that share my opinion." Logan grabs a small bag from the glove box to dispose of the bloody wipes. "I do enjoy the taste of blood but I don't feel that hunger that most do at the scent of blood, I believe it may be because I was already dead when I was turned, I'm not sure why but a friend of mine who was revived also has less of a need to drink or, and I quote "battle against the beast inside." Of course, this is just a theory. I also had a very old and strong sire, his blood could play a role in my less eccentric nature."

There's a lot to process there. "You died?" Is the only thing Janus manages to say as Logan stands up straight again.

"Yes." Logan doesn't linger on that though, quickly changing the topic. "Your cuts aren't too deep, thankfully. You're going to need a shower to wash the blood from your hair so I'll apply bandages after you get cleaned up. This begs the question though, are you comfortable with letting me into your home or would you prefer I take you home with me?"

"Oh my, Doctor. So bold." Janus teases, it feels less effective with his tired voice but Logan's eyes still go wide.

"I didn't mean to imply anything."

"Taking advantage of my weakened state?" The human tsks. "Oh, how could I ever refuse you when I'm so grateful for your help?" He coos, the vampire doesn't blush this time but Janus imagines he'd very much be turning red if he could.

Logan raises a hand to cover his face, hiding from Janus's gaze. "I wouldn't- that's very un- unprofessional Mr. Ceit." His voice wobbles slightly he steps back, going around the front of the car to sit in the driver's seat.

"Logan, honey." Janus snickers softly as he tucks his legs into the car and shuts the door now that the doctor seemed done with patching him up. "You very much just asked me "Your place or mine?" What else could I possibly assume from such a handsome man?"

  
Logan very pointedly doesn't look at him, clipping on his seat belt. "Janus, I will figuratively drive you into a lake."

  
"Figuratively?"

  
"Of course, I would never intentionally cause you any harm." The vampire explains as he rolls down the window. "But you do smell less than pleasant so please pick where you would like to go."

  
Janus sighs through his nose, trying to cling onto the distractions so he wouldn't have to deal with the reality of this situation yet. "Yours, if you knew where I lived then I would never get rid of you."

"Janus, I'm your doctor. I have your address on file."

  
"You have an address on file, who can say if it's actually mine or not."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My Loceit heart is at it again
> 
> Man, eventually Patton will exist... I'm not entirely sure what to do with him now tho since I scrapped his chapter but I have vague ideas


	8. Patton Tried

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There he goes digging again...
> 
> Note, Duras's name has been switched to Deceit's Canon name. This is the only story I'm doing this for since this has no clear end to me.

Janus's wakes up sore and alone in the living room of Logan's home with a heavy blanket over his shoulders.

His entire body is heavy, held down by invisible weights. He manages to sit up with only a great deal of struggle, letting the blanket fall off him as his skin feels like it could peel with how hot he feels.

Janus is tired. He wants to lay back down and sleep through this awful feeling but sunlight shines through a curtained window and Logan has no doubt retired for the day, Janus recognizes that if he doesn't leave now that the doctor may not allow him to later.

So with the grace of a toddler, Janus struggles to his feet. His clothing from the night before lay folded on the coffee table, Logan had given him his sire's clothes to wear while he put Janus's through the wash. His phone lays next to the clothes, nearly dead but serving its purpose as the man looks at the time to find it's nearly three in the afternoon which made Janus mildly impressed.

That would be about ten hours of sleep, give or take.

Janus has slept for almost four hours at the very most for so long.

He'd think that having slept for so long would give him any sort of energy but he feels just as tired as when he laid down the night before, he wants to sleep more but instead grabs his clothes and heads to the washroom.

He's changed back into his own clothing and washing his hands, the borrowed shirt and sweatpants tossed into the laundry basket as he chances a glance up in the mirror and winces.

He'd been too nervous to look in the mirror the night before, not wanting to see the blood that soaked his face and not bothering to clear the mirror of fog when he had gotten out of the shower but now he meets his own eyes in his reflection and looks about as good as he expected to.

He's too pale, any redness to his skin is flushed and just makes him look more unhealthy, despite the amount of sleep he's gotten the bags under his eyes haven't diminished in the slightest. His cheeks are slightly sunken in, even with the bandage covering one side.

He can't remember if he actually ate the day before, he couldn't remember the last time he actually cooked himself a meal instead of just grabbing something quick to consume before he either works more or out looking for his latest bite to ease the burning in his veins.

When was the last time he when grocery shopping? He couldn't remember if his fridge was empty or not, surely that meant that anything inside was probably spoiled by now. He can briefly remember grabbing a microwave meal sometime last week or was it last month?

Janus wasn't even sure of dates anymore, everything has just been movement for the past five years.

It's not worth it.

Janus can't find anything to tell himself that it's worth it anymore. Everything in his body hurts, it always hurts and everything he's done has just been to push away the hurt for as long as possible but not even that it working anymore.

Janus finds himself turning from the mirror and leaving the washroom. He's giving up, he's finally accepting this horrible fate that's been thrust upon him.

He grabs his phone and heads towards the front door, already pulling up the app to get a ride when he hears an unfamiliar voice.

"Leaving already?" Janus turns his head to see another man standing in the living room, closing the curtains tighter to block out the afternoon sun, looking at Janus with a forced smile. "You should stay for dinner, we don't really eat anymore but I'd say my cooking is pretty pastable."

Logan's sire, Janus figures. Someone who the human had very much not wanted to meet. "I'm fine, thank you." He grits out and turns back to the door but just as he grabs a knob a hand reaches over his shoulder to keep the door pressed closed.

"I don't think you're in a very healthy mindset to leave, kiddo." The vampire thankfully pulls back as Janus turns to face him. "Logan's worried about you something fierce and... Well, I can see why now." The stranger's eyes reflect light in the same way Logan's does.

"You don't know anything about me." Janus immediately defaults to, already feeling cornered despite the vampire's effort to give him some space.

"No but I can feel there's some- some not so great feelings in you." An empath, of course. It's no wonder Logan's so adept at picking up what he hides behind walls, he's such an idiot. "I'm Patton, by the way." The vampire offers a hand but retracts it as Janus flinches back.

"I'm leaving." He replies curtly and turns to the door once more but this Patton moves forward again to keep it closed. "I recommend you let me leave." Janus keeps his voice hard but it's half-hearted. What's the point of keeping a straight face with someone who can already tell he's scared?

"I'm not-" The hand backs away again and Janus let's out a breath as the other man leaves his personal space. "Why don't you just wait for Logan to get up before leaving? I can go get him, he'll want to make sure that cut is all taken care of, it would save him some worry."

Janus doesn't justify that with a response and instead opens the front door just a little bit, he doesn't want to risk catching the vampire in the sunlight but figures this will offer himself protection and give the other time to back out of the hallway.

"Wait, just- Janus, please," Patton begs like he has any right to request anything of him. "I don't know what you're about to do but let's just hold on for a little bit, okay?"

Patton could sense his drive, could tell that he's about to do something he'll likely regret but this vampire's words mean nothing more than pity to him, anyone who could have maybe pushed through his resignation has abandoned him or have been cut off by his own hands.

Janus turns his head to look at Patton, a stranger pleading with him from several feet away not to bring harm to himself and a part of Janus wishes that it was enough to stop him but he's so tired and just can't hear it.

The human slips out the door and into the warm daylight, the sun shines bright above him and birds sing while he steps down from the porch of a rather lovely home with a beautiful garden out in the front.

Janus doesn't look twice as he gets a ride to come to him, he's silent during the drive despite the driver speaking to him a few times. He leaves a generous tip before exiting the vehicle without a word, walking up the steps to his own house while looking at his phone.

He's so tired.

It takes several tries to type in the right number which how much his hands are shaking and he knows he shouldn't do this, he knows this will only hurt him more, he knows that this won't fix anything, he knows this is self-destructive but it's not enough to stop him.

After all, he's already burnt everything good in his life to ash.

Nothing stops him from tapping on the call button as he enters his home, he brings the cell up to his ear as he sits down on the couch.

He tells himself that this is the final chance, that if the monster on the other end picks up then he'll accept this as his fate. He tells himself that if it goes unanswered that he'll call someone else, go back to Logan's or maybe even try Virgil again.

But it's the middle of the day, after all, most vampires are asleep and the phone rings until it goes to voicemail and Janus hangs up before he has to hear his voice.

He should take this blessing, by his own rules he should do literally anything else but Janus has always been a liar.

He dials the number and calls again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh man, Janus, am I right? Hope you all are ready for our special guest appearance next chapter, it's- it's gonna suck, my dudes
> 
> Also if there are some things that don't make sense in this chapter, please point them out because I kinda did write this while sleep deprived
> 
> I can not tell you how many times I almost wrote Dante or Duras instead of Janus, I almost wish I didn't change it but I only started wanting that after I had already gone back and changed everything so I'm just gonna live with my actions now.  
> I'm not actually bothered tho, don't worry.


	9. Janus gets what he wants

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The shovel has broken.
> 
> (Please check notes at the bottom to help me decide something.)

"Oh, honey. Who the hell are you to keep calling so early?" A tired voice finally picks up the phone on the third time Janus calls, the irritation makes the human's heart pick up. "It's like, babe, it's like four pm. I should not be awake yet."

Janus feels his throat tightens and his stomach curls with disgust. "Remy." He forces himself to say as sudden panic grips his heart. Just moments before he was desperately calling, blocking out all the noise that screamed at him not to do this but now it's all hitting him again full force.

God, what is he doing? "Kay, I can dig the whole mysterious whisper in the phone vibe, it's a classic but I'm gonna need a name, sweetheart."

Janus should stop, should hang up, should hide and hope he's never found but he's frozen in place. "It's- It's Janus."

"Janus." Remy quotes back. "Oh, Janus." He suddenly sounds a lot more awake. "It's been so long, baby boo, I was worried you forgot about me." There's a smugness in his voice as he practically purrs out his words. "You still have my number too? That's so cute, you're lucky I didn't change it."

"I-" Janus tries to stutter out a response. "I-I need- Remy-" He feels like he's going to be sick. "I'm sorry." He sobs out for a reason he can't discern, he shouldn't be sorry for running from this asshole but it's the only response he can think to give.

"Aww, honey bunny." Remy coos. "It's okay, no hard feelings. Some of my babes need longer to come around than others, I get that." Janus wipes at the tears running down his face, he can't believe he's already crying. "Can't say I'm too pleased about having to wait so long but it's whatever, we're here now. Are you ready to come home, Jan? I've been missing my pretty boy something fierce."

"I hate you." Janus tries to muster anger but his voice cracks, he's too weak. "I fucking hate you."

But Remy just laughs over the phone. "Still my little viper, hm? We can work on that." The vampire let's out a sigh that seems much more amused than annoyed. "Give me your address, sugarplum. I'll come take care of you."

Despite the fear that courses through his body, Janus finds himself obeying the command and sending his address in a text.

"Hmm, a little far," Remy mumbles. "But a few cities won't slow me down, pet. I'll see you at nightfall." Remy promises, his words like honey but his voice quickly goes dark. "Don't run from me again." Janus doesn't get to reply as the call ends abruptly.

It's almost relieving, Janus thinks as he lays back on the couch. Once Remy comes for him, he won't need to worry about anything anymore. The vampire will bite him and make the pain go away and sure, Janus will have to live with being one of his thralls, he'll have to give in and just let go of who he was but honestly, is that a bad thing?

Janus isn't the best person. He's cold and he's bitter. He shoves people down to make himself better and doesn't care about anyone but himself. He lashes out, he blames others, he hurts everyone around him even when they're just trying to help him.

Maybe he deserves this.

Logan, an empath like his sire could understand his pain and continuously attempted to reach out and ease any bit of it only for Janus to turn his back to him and leave without a word.

Roman claimed to understand the pain of the addiction and had noticed something wrong with Janus enough to know that he needed help and immediately offered it only for Janus to strike him and leave with no intention of returning.

Virgil who had...

Virgil who followed him to this city, who stayed close to him no matter what Janus spat to make him go away. Virgil who shouldn't be a vampire, who shouldn't be struggling with his nature and shouldn't be clinging on to Janus without the slightest clue as to why his friend turned into what Janus is today.

Virgil who finally pulled away like Janus wanted.

Janus probably deserves this.

The man curls up on his couch and shuts his eyes, the buzzing in his mind keeps him sleeping but at the very least time seems to move faster as his zones out. At some point he recognizes he should probably try to eat or drink something, maybe even run while he still can but his limbs feel too heavy and he can't muster up the energy.

The human presses his face into the back of the couch, biting his lip to keep silent as her cries for the hundredth time in the last twenty-four hours. He still has time to run, he could grab what he needs while there's still daylight and disappear or go back to Logan's and accept the help offered, or maybe even he could go back to Roman's and beg for forgiveness, Remus be damned.

He pulls his phone from his pocket and opens up his contacts, pulling up Virgil's name.

Janus could try again.

Janus really wants to try again but stops himself before his thumb could even hover over the call button.

He doesn't deserve Virgil's help. How could he after everything he's done? Janus has been trying to push his friend away for years but now that Virgil is no longer an option he desperately wants him, how selfish is that?

Janus lets his phone drop off the couch, not caring as it lands on the floor with a thud.

He goes back and forth for the next few hours but despite the inner turmoil Janus doesn't move from the couch or even try to sit up, not even when he hears his front door open and the clacking of shoes ring through his home.

The human only flinches when chilling fingers brush through his hair, he tries to hide further against the cough but they grip his locks and tugs his head back and Janus is forced to meet with a pair of dark eyes peeking out from behind shades.

Janus hates how he doesn't fight against the touch, hates how Remy smiles and tilts his head to the side to no resistance, able to press his teeth against the human's neck with no complaint.

Every nerve in Janus is on fire at the barest pressure of fangs, his heart races, and his blood sings for this relief even as his mind screams and panics and begs him to do anything to stop this but soon the fangs pierce his skin and it all goes silent.

Janus feels himself relax into the vampire's hold as all the pain is drained from his veins, the blood that felt too much and burned him from the inside out is gone and replaced by a pleasant warmth that washes away the worst of his thoughts. His body still aches but it's a relieving ache as Janus let's go of all the tension that's kept him strung up for far too long.

Janus barely recognizes when Remy pulls away from his neck because the warmth is still there, he only lets out a soft noise as the vampire moves away completely but he quickly gets shushed by a hand petting his hair. The human lets himself be moved from his curled up position in the corner to laying across the couch with his head in Remy's lap.

"Cutie." Remy coos as he runs cool fingers through his hair, combing out the knots. "Haven't been taking very good care of yourself, huh?" The tip of the vampire's thumb traces over the bandage on his cheek. "Did someone hurt you, sweetie?"

Janus only nods with a quiet hum, he's been hurting for so long that whatever someone gave him hardly seems to matter. The cuts weren't even hurting anymore, any sting they gave is lost to the waves of euphoria.

"My poor muffin." Remy picks at the bandage until able to lift the corner of it and peel it off slowly. "Shh, just let me see." He soothes as Janus makes a small noise of protest, the adhesive pulling harshly on his skin pulling him slightly out his hazy venom-induced bubble. "Damn, girl."

Janus hisses quietly as fingers touch the wound, he tries his best to stay still for the vampire as he inspects him. There's something judgemental in Remy's eyes that makes him want to squirm away. "I'm- I'm sorry." He says without really understanding what he did wrong but he needs to make Remy happy again.

Wait, no. No, that's not right. The world is starting to come back to him, though still hazy around the edges and keeping him very much subdued he's at least able to recognize what happened.

"Can't say I'm a huge fan of facial scars," Remy mutters to himself in a disappointed tone that hurts more than the fingers digging into his cuts. "When did you get these?"

"Last night," Janus answers on impulse, first instinct to give Remy anything he asks for even as a voice in the back of his head whispers that this is hurting him. "Made him mad." Janus mumbles and tries to tilt his head to the side, wanting to press closer the vampire but this only makes the man grip his hair again to hold him still.

"You're very good at doing that." Remy let's out a huff, the annoyance clear in his zone. "A full day is too long to heal without scarring, I suppose it could fade though..."

Janus stayed still as Remy leans over him and presses a kiss over the scars, the human only makes a small noise of discomfort as the vampire's tongue drags over the wound. The saliva makes the cuts sting again, the tingling feels weird as cuts heal over in a matter of seconds but not nearly as quickly as it would a fresh wound.

"Yeah, still scarring." The human flinches as Remy pats his face a bit too hard. "What a waste of a pretty face." The vampire lifts Janus's head from his lap and stands from the couch and heads towards the door.

Janus's heart freezes in his chest. "Where-" He scrambles to his feet, stumbling towards the vampire that pauses to look at him. "Where are you going? You can't- You can't just leave!" Janus doesn't understand, his head is hazy and his heart is in his throat. He wants to be alone, he wants to never see Remy's face again but the idea of the vampire just walking out on him tears him apart.

"See, why couldn't you have done this before you messed up your face?" Remy clicks his tongue. "You're such a cutie like this but nah, babe. I'll come back in a while to see if it fades but like, not really digging it right now."

"No." The vampire goes to leave once more but Janus rushes forward, grabbing his arm. "No! You don't- but I-" He can't even process what's happening right now, all he knows is the thing he's been yearning and hating for years is about to walk out and it hurts.

"You're a big boy, Jan. Use your words."

"Why-?" Janus wants to be angry, wants to be enraged, and scream but it feels like his heart is being ripped out. "You- You did this to me, you wanted this!" He doesn't understand what he did to deserve this. "I'm- I give! I'm giving up! I'm willing to be good for you so why are you just- just leaving?!" It can't just be a scar. This has to be a joke, another one of Remy's mind games, another tactic to make him feel even more hopeless than he is but he's already broken and he doesn't understand why he would do this.

"Yikes." Remy pulls his arm back, easily as Janus barely feels strong enough to stand. "Sucks to suck, huh?" The vampire laughs, seemingly amused by Janus's outburst. "Look, sweetheart. You vanished on me, you ran from me, you fought me at every turn." Remy turns to face him, wearing a smile and looking over the top of his sunglasses to stare Janus down. "You're not my only thrall. You're lucky I even bothered to come here after you abandoned me." Remy reaches up, brushing a lock of hair out of the human's face. Janus struggles with the need to lean into the touch and the urge to flinch away. "You're just not worth the effort anymore, honey."

Janus feels something in him shatter, something breaks so powerfully that not even the venom can dull the blow. It fills up his chest and chokes him, making him feel like he's drowning as he just stands in the hall and watches Remy as he doesn't say anything else, just turns and leaves without even a second glance in his direction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man, man oh man. I love unsympathetic Remy, like so nonchalant in that he's a fucking horrible person. Good shit except not really, I think I just like writing psychopaths...
> 
> But now, we're at a fork in the road. I have three ways this fic can go.  
> Possible spoilers below <3
> 
> Option A: Virgil sees that he missed Janus's call from the night before and comes for Janus. Virgil will figure out why Janus has been so fucked up and it'll be very emotional. though I'm only half on board this idea because I feel like it might push things too fast and I won't be able to figure out how to make Janus connect with the others if he's content to sticking with Virgil
> 
> Option B: Roman finds out what happened with Remus and can hunt Janus down to help him. This, admittedly, makes my Roceit heart very happy and would make a bond between Janus and Roman, things could also get a bit angsty if/when Virgil probably shows up later when he sees the missed call because him and Roman have history that's not the best
> 
> Option C: The Original Path, no one comes and a small time jump later, Janus, a broken man, falls into withdrawals again and plans to just suffer them but encounters Remus again. This one will form a bit of an unhealthy bond with Jan and Remus and explore a little on Remus's and Roman's history, this path can also open up a bond with Roman too but a lesser one then if Roman rushes in all knight in shining armor style


	10. Roman picks up some pieces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roman finds Janus in his self-made grave and knows from experience that graves aren't very fun.

Three days after Remy and Janus is already feeling the slight itch under his skin, it's only a minor uncomfortable feeling but this would be around the time that Janus should be going out to find vampires to relieve the pressure before it keeps building.

Janus stays in the bed, exhausted but unable to sleep.

His phone is on the small end table beside his bed, a little bit after Remy left his phone had started going off with messages and calls from Virgil that Janus didn't dare look at, he had just distantly watched his phone light up until the device finally died.

Virgil is probably worried if he called that many times. Janus almost wants to plug in his charger and see it, get some kind of confirmation that his friend is looking for him. It's the only logical reason Janus could thing of, a desperate part of him thought that maybe Virgil hanging up a few nights ago had been an accident but it wasn't worth it.

Janus isn't worth it.

"I just need time." He tells himself. "I just need to rest and get better and then I'll go back to work." Because what else is he going to do? He just needs a small goal, slowly work his way up and maybe he can pretend he's a normal person again.

Small goals, like getting something to eat and taking a shower.

He manages to pull himself from the safety of his blankets to choke down a can of soup for dinner, he barely had any food in his house but what he does find is made quickly at least.

Janus finds getting into the shower a little harder, after eating he just wants to curl up under the covers again and disappear but he forces his feet to shuffle to the washroom with the promise that if he washes his hair then he can watch some TV and leave the lights on when he tries eventually tries to sleep again.

He doesn't want to try to sleep with the nightmares that keep plaguing him but the self promise of not plunging himself into the dark makes him a little less hesitant to try it.

So he makes himself take a shower, the warm water is nice, and washing away a few days of grime leaves him feeling less disgusted with himself.

It lasts for a whole few minutes after he leaves the warm water, he manages to dry himself off and slip into some loose pajamas. He almost makes it but just the small lift of his head and he catches his reflection in the foggy mirror, he should leave look away, he should leave the bathroom and grab his blanket, he should do anything but reach up and wipe away the fog but since when has Janus done anything good to himself?

The mirrors still watery even after Janus swipes it with his sleeve but it's enough for him to see his face and see the scars that remain across his face.

(- Remus looks almost exactly the same as Roman but lacks all the soft edges and gentle eyes, instead, a beast snarls down at him and Janus only realizes he's been hit after he's on the ground and clutching at his bleeding cheek.

Virgil towers over him with a bruising grip on his arm and Janus, despite the smirk he keeps on his face, is terrified. This isn't his friend looking at him with sharp words and dark eyes, this is a starving beast that compels something deep inside the human to keep him from fighting as it sinks it's teeth into his neck.

Remy pulls back from his neck, cooing honeyed words at him and Janus finds himself melting for them. The warmth chases away all his protests with a giddy feeling of happiness. He did really good this time, Remy says so and that's all he really needs. It doesn't matter that he was just kicking and scratching at the vampire to escape him, not when Remy takes away the hurt. -)

Janus stumbles out of the bathroom, his nails digging into the scars as he rushes down the hall and into his room.

Hiding won't fix anything, anything he'd want to escape would hear his heartbeat trying to pound out of his chest whether he's sitting in the back of his closet or not. He's only hurting himself, sitting in the darkness he can't stand but too scared to leave or flick on the light so he just curls in on himself and suffers because that's all he can do apparently.

The light of his bedroom peeks from under the closet door, his only source of light that he focuses on with such intensity it makes his eyes hurt. In the darkness of the closet, clinging onto that thread of light, Janus lets himself swallow in his shame.

He let's go of his pride and hugs his knees, he's so sick of crying but at this point, it doesn't matter. Who's going to see?

So Janus sits there for who knows how long, alone and desperately trying to block out memories, to keep the shadows with familiar faces in the back of his head where they belong.

He sits in the dark, staring at the crack under the door. He can almost go numb, he thinks. He can almost retreat into his head, maybe even sleep a bit as his eyes are so heavy but before he can give in he hears footsteps.

Someone's in the house.

Janus scrambles back, his back hitting the wall with a soft thud as his heart catches in his throat.

He's back, he can't be back, he said he was leaving, he's back, Janus thought it was over but he's back.

Janus claps a hand over his mouth to muffle a sob as a shadow blocks the light of the door.

He already knows Janus is in here, there's really no need to try and muffle any noise but Janus is stupid anyway, thinking that monster would actually leave him alone, why can't this be over?

Faces flash before his eyes, Remy, Virgil, Remus, every vampire he's let corner him, every sharp smile they sent him before he felt that pinching in his neck, every variant of venom that's worked its way through his system in his pathetic attempt to hold himself together.

He expects the door to be swung open, to be dragged out, and forcibly held down whether he's actually struggling or not.

So it takes him by surprise when there's a gentle knock against the wood.

"Jan?"

...Roman?

Janus doesn't dare breathe. It's some kind of trick, it has to be a trick. Roman doesn't know where he lives, Roman wouldn't come for him, Roman was left hurt by Janus just like everyone else.

"It's okay," The shadow over the crack in the door shifts for a moment before settling. "You don't have to come out. I'll make sure nothing comes to hurt you." Roman promises.

Janus slowly lowers his hand from his mouth, taking a in sharp breath of air. It takes far too long for him to convince his limbs to move, shuffling forward a little in the closet to slightly open the door just a crack and peeking out into his bedroom.

Sure enough, Roman is sitting on the floor on the other side with his back facing the closet which makes it easier for Janus to slide the door open a little more. "Wha-" Janus coughs to clear his throat as his voice cracks. "What are you doing here?"

Roman turns his head a little bit but not enough to actually look at Janus which he can find himself appreciating. "You were hurt." Roman doesn't even have a clue how correct he is. "I'm sorry I wasn't here immediately, I truly wanted to be but you are a very difficult man to find." The vampire lets out a weak chuckle that sounds far too forced. "I guess I also kinda broke into your house, so sorry for that too."

Janus sits back in the closet, running his fingers through his still damp. "Why? I- Roman, I hit you." Did he really start looking for him immediately? Janus didn't know if he could believe that.

"Okay, yes. That was not an okay thing to do but I-" Roman looks forward, keeping his head down. "I was being honest when I told you I knew how it felt. It changes how you think, what you feel you need." The vampire's voice becomes more subdued. "You were in pain and I was denying you your only relief from it, I did some things I'm not proud of either when I- when I was-"

Janus has to swallow the guilt the builds up inside him, Roman had tried to be open with him that night, to share the pain but Janus had used it to lash out.

It takes him a moment to work up the courage, to slip through the closet door and sit on the floor behind the vampire. "Could I ask who-" Who bit you, who made you addicted, who poisoned you?

"Remus." Roman hunches in on himself and Janus decides to fight his instincts and reach out, resting his hand on Roman's back. "He wasn't taught anything by his sire, we didn't know that anything had changed until I just- I went without it for too long one time."

"Can't say I'm a fan of Remus." Janus mumbles and raises his hand to cover the scars on his face.

"Yeah, can't fault you for that." Roman shifts to finally turn around, moving slowly to face the shorter man. "Can I see?" He reaches out to put his hand over Janus's but makes no move to pry it away.

The human doesn't meet Roman's eyes but slowly lowers his hand, tilting his chin up as cold fingers cup under his chin. Janus feels his face heat up, shame floods through him as the vampire inspects his scars. He hates them, they stand out on his face as an ugly permanent reminder of his own mistakes.

"They're healed," Roman notes, his thumb brushes lightly over the marred skin, and Janus jerks his head to the side and out of Roman's grasp. "Do you want to tell me?" Roman asks, picking up on Janus's obvious distress.

"I was just using you, you know." Janus plays up the irritation in his voice instead of giving Roman any answer. "We were never friends." He just wants Roman to stop looking at him, stop asking questions, to just leave even though he was just upset about being alone.

"Is that why you stopped panicking when you realized it was me?" Roman doesn't look amused but doesn't glare or move in any way to threaten Janus. "Because we're not friends? I never made you laugh and you never cared if I made myself sick on normal food." The human looks away, not able to meet Roman's eyes. "Maybe what we had wasn't a very healthy friendship but I care about you at the very least."

Janus... Doesn't know what he wants now. He's staring at the carpeted floor as his head reels with the fact that maybe, just maybe he can fix this. "I'm not a very good friend." He admits, lowering his gaze down to his hands. "I'm self-aware enough to know that I'll hurt you again." He's not wearing his gloves, he hasn't since that night because blood doesn't wash out of bright yellow very well.

"I'm a big boy, Jan my man." Roman's hands suddenly come into view to cup Janus's hands in his own. "I can handle a few scratches."

Janus doesn't pull away, even if Roman's hands are weirdly colder than his. "I'm not worth the effort." He wants to be but he doesn't know if that's enough.

"Now who told you that?" Roman asks so softly, his thumbs rubbing over Janus's knuckles.

"No one I should listen too but..." It still hurts, his heart is full of traitorous venom that lies to him, he knows these feelings aren't his but-

"It still hurts." Roman finishes for him. "I don't know what you're afraid of but I'll listen if you want me to."

Janus tries to hold it back at least slightly but Roman watches him with soft glowing eyes and holds his hands so gently that the man's words fumble out, slipping through all the cracks in his walls.

He tells Roman about Remy, about being forced to accept the venom until he needed it, about trying to escape but being too weak to completely fight it, he tells Roman about each faceless vampire he turned to for any sort of relief, about how people could always tell he's hanging on by a thread but ultimately gave up as he kept shoving them away, he admits that he tried to reach out to his one friend after he got hurt only to realize it was too late. He tells Roman that in a fit of self-destruction he called the very person who destroyed his life only for him to be left behind by them too.

He rambles without stopping, knowing that the moment he does he won't be able to speak anymore. He dumps five years of regret and horrible choices that only he is to blame for on Roman but the vampire only silently listens and keeps offering support, Roman doesn't support his choices but doesn't turn him away either, just accepting it as it was and letting Janus get it out.

Janus doesn't know how long they sit there, on the floor of his bedroom. Janus tears himself down, it feels like he's ripping himself apart, and by the time he's run out of things to say everything feels raw and hurts all over again.

But Roman doesn't leave, in fact, he helps Janus stand and guides him to the living room. He makes Janus lay down as he orders food and puts on a movie, it's reminiscent of before when Janus would go to him but different, more sincere.

Janus actually watches the movie Roman puts on, no need to humor the vampire to get what he wants when all he wants is to curl up and forget the world.

It's nice.

Nothing feels okay but Roman's arm is around his shoulder as Janus has his head against the vampire's chest, feeling him breathe but hearing no heart to speak of.

Janus falls asleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: Yeah, I'll probably do the C option with Remus because-  
> My Roceit heart: You idiot, you utter moron, you absolute buffoon.
> 
> But also if you didn't notice this is a series now and I'mma occasionally add oneshots with other characters perspectives...
> 
> But on a side note, I wanna be clear that Janus has done some not so great things and is probably gonna do more not so great things because relearning behavior is hard to do and not immediate and like yeah, he's getting help finally, the little bastard but he's not just gonna just get away with everything


End file.
